Gig 1 prep

Hi all,

How’s everyone doing?

So here we go. This week marks the first of the 50 stand up shows I’ll be performing this year. I’ve decided to hit up an open mic night I’ve done before: the Kings Cross Hotel in Kings Cross. It says Thursday, but is on Wednesday.

It’s a really friendly venue, and a safe space. The run sheet is nicely mixed: some first timers, amateurs trying to find their feet (like me), intermediates and more experienced stand-ups trying out new material. It’s run by a guy called Kaiser Seiz (although not always MC-d by him) who keeps it in order. He’s actually quite an imposing figure, and a funny stand up himself. I’m actually going to ask him to be the first guest on the podcast, so watch this space.

In terms of the jokes I am thinking about performing, I had told myself to stick to the 5 minutes I ran through last time. It went pretty well, and I saw a lot of potential in growing the set into a tight five minutes. The jokes followed like this:

  • I’ve not been drinking, and that’s shit
  • I’m not drinking because I’m aware of my body and how I feel
  • And that’s because I am woke (the idea of wokeness is the through line)
  • I’m so woke, I have gone the other way completely, and my girlfriend takes advantage of this, so I end up doing more than I should at home (a big punchline in this segment)
  • And some guys make being woke look so easy
  • But then we live in a world of success publishing
  • This is never more true than in porn, where I fantasise about being able to turn up and blow people’s mind
  • Then I run through the reality of turning up at a porn shoot and it being a male gangbang, and I’ve got to play it cool (some acting involved in this joke, including some microphone work)
  • And the finishing on that my life isn’t too bad, really – even if I don’t make things look easy
  • Close on seeing the advert for ‘secret lives of 4 year olds’, and explaining, how fucked up must their life be to have a secret life at 4 years old. That’s insane.

This set actually went well, but bearing in mind I’m doing the same room with the same open-mic audience, maybe I should change it up. Some jokes I’m thinking about:

  • Men are evil. I saw an animal crush video online, and that is fucked up. How does a man get an animal crush fetish? I the run through a scenario where that happens.
  • I saw a sign the other day saying ‘truckers know your height’, how do truckers know your height?
  • My friends are having babies, and it makes me realise how amazing women are. How unselfconscious they become once they’ve given birth. So many of my friends now get their breasts out in public to breast feed. Imagine if that was guys and it was their cocks (I generally like this one, but it’s crass)
  • The five most popular words in the English language are Time, Day and Week. The other two are cock and vag.
  • Scams to get rich piss me off. I’ve spent too much time looking for a valuable penny.
  • This super homeless guy walked past me the other day, chewing cigarette butts and talking to himself. But what he was saying was SO profound (need to think of profound thing).
  • Can you believe you have a voice in your head? My head says some stupid things (need to think of stupid things).
  • Human perception is an amazing thing that clouds judgement. This is particularly true of the sexual connection. Let’s compare the human response to sexual experience to an animals. Monkey giving a hand job. This joke is based on the juxtaposition of that ethereal connection you have when you are building a sexual connection, and the reality of the physical act.
  • It’s amazing to me that people are tolerant of dogs of all colours but not people of all colours. That they can see them as an animal with a genetic difference that manifests in colours, but can’t do the same with people (this would be through-lined with the two ‘jokes’ above this).
  • I also have a long story about a lost bag of cashews on a bus in India am thinking about doing linked to how entitled I am.

That’s where I am. I feel as though I am beginning to find a point of view in my joke scraps. It’s something like ‘the human experience’ and ‘the absurdity of inequality’ mixed with an attention to detail.

I’ll be recording this gig and will put it up as my inaugural podcast at the end of the month, with an interview and hopefully two more gigs under my belt.

Let me know if you have any thoughts on the jokes above, or any advice.

Finally, I’ve been watching a lot of Theo Von and recommend checking this out:

Big love my lot.


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